Zen is as zen does. Does a dog have Buddha nature? You can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can't look him in the mouth and make him drink. If a tree fell in the middle of the forest and no one was around to hear it, would anyone care? When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked. 3MTA3 (mirror required) Leave well enough alone...."well enough" has had enough. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

In clapping, what is the sound of one hand? A thing you'll never hear: "Stop sucking my cock or I'll call the police." Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen. What if "C-A-T" really spelled "DOG?" Space-time isn't actually warped, it's kind of bent. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Would a fly without wings be called a "walk?" I almost don't feel the way I do. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. Am I right? No, I am a little bit left of center. There are nights when the coyotes are silent and only the moon howls. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. It is impossible to dry one hand. If the most popular pencil is the #2, then why is it still #2? Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Murphy was an optimist. If you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and threw it off a building, what would happen? Would you rather be coming? If you don't own a camera, travel with a police sketch-artist. 7734 40 (upside-down calculator shit)

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country. Does God actually have to watch all this shit? Santa is satan spelled inside out. Always do whatever's next. As I said before, I never repeat myself. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing. If I save time, when do I get it back? Who is "they" anyway? You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits (don't forget fart, turd and twat) Alone: In bad company. Somehow, it's hard to picture butterflies fucking. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Think off-center. Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. Someday I want to see the Pope come out on that balcony and give the football scores.

Life is a near-death experience. The sound of one hand clapping is the sound a tree falling in a forest when no one is there to hear it. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Sometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking. This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Surf's down forever. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. Black holes really suck.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyers smile more than the clients? It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. The new, modern Swiss Army knife has an ear-piercing tool and a roach clip. Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks. Incoming fire has the right of way. Do it only with the best. If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out? Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Nothing rhymes with nostril. There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. Simon says, go fuck yourself. If it ain't broke, break it. The lazy composer still had several scores to settle. When will all the rhetorical questions end? Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. Death to all fanatics!

Ahh... like sands through the hourglass, those are the things to look at in life.

Any comments, like, "WHAT is this fucking page ABOUT?!?" then do send to our Spiritual Guidance Guru who will probably also tell you to take a friggin' hike, too... he always tells me that. I guess that's why he's our Guru.

Back to the front door.